Get over it.
Let it go.
Don’t be dumb.
^All literal things I say to myself whenever my anxiety kicks in. Sometimes, even out loud.
I saw a therapist for a while- mostly because I went through the worst break up (what 20 something year old doesn’t say those exact words), really- I lost more weight than I’d like to admit, I was in a deep hole of despair, I isolated myself from everyone, I was literally reliving those moments every hour of the day- it was misery I’d never experienced before, and after about a month of this, I was in a puddle on the floor of my classroom sobbing to my soon-to-be-therapist about why I needed to see her.
The first few weeks were a complete blur- literally, through tear stained eyes, I poured my heart out about that relationship.
After those first initial talks, she started to get to know me. Asking questions about my past, growing up, friends, other relationships, family, school, etc.
Through those talks we tried to relate who I was (I took a little personality test which was actually kind of fun and intriguing) and my thoughts and actions.
In short, I have had many experiences that have brought out a lot of anxiety- either in the moment, or after the fact. Past, present, and future.
This slice wasn’t supposed to be about my anxiety, but when I sat down to start writing, those were the first words in my head.
This slice was supposed to be about this:
“Always make your past self jealous.”
Oh man, how I wish I did this.
Some days, I think I do. Some days I look at how far I’ve come since my gross middle school girl drama days, my high school highs and lows, my too-much college times, the puddle I picked myself up from…and I think- man, I did good. Look at me.
And then there are times my mind wanders to the literal worst things- the anxiety hole that completely sucks me in- the one where it almost ruins everything. The “stuff” that reminds me of who I was when I was 14, 15, 16…20, 21, 22…..24, 25, 26….now……
And I realize, I haven’t completely grown up. I haven’t “gotten there”. I haven’t “made it”. I still revert back sometimes. I still am my past self sometimes.
But sometimes, I’m not. And that’s what keeps me going and reminds me that I can get there.
Anxiety is my biggest problem- for everything. School, professional life, relationships, personal life…any and all “problems” (whether real or made up in my head) all stem from that one, 4 syllable, word. Anxiety.
I want to make my past self jealous. I want to look back someday and say I did it, I beat who I used to be, I took her and made her better. I’m working toward it.
But I’m not there yet.
Thank you, Dove Chocolate, for reminding me of a goal I never knew I set for myself.