Word Vomit

I write this is a walk a mile back to the car; feeling defeated and like I just can’t win, even when I try so hard.

Seasonal depression hits me pretty hard, especially around the February/March mark- which, I know, hits most hard.

I guess that’s why I felt so defeated, like a failure and like someone who broke even when she tried so hard not to break.

The past two weeks have been the hardest 2 weeks I’ve mentally had in as long as I can remember. I was breaking down because we ran out of plastic bags. I was a puddle on the floor because I forgot about the bagel I was roasting and it burned. I was in tears, or on the verge of, just about every hour of the day- including at school (which as you all know is so so hard).

I don’t really know why.  Nothing awful is happening in my life, at all, unless you count the fact that I like a plan and I feel like my life has no plan, but that’s like a whole other problem.

In fact, things really couldn’t get any better; until i get my cat, and the sun comes out, and the grass shows green, and it’s warmer than 40°.

I finally broke this past week. Jake convinced me to take a day. I didn’t want to; I’ve never done that. Ive never felt so defeated that I needed to “take a day”, and finally being at the point where I wrote out my personal day form- I felt like I had hit the lowest of lows. (This is not meant to “bash on” those who take these mental health days!! I am jealous of the fact that you can take them with pride and not guilt!!)

I added a 4 mile run in to my mental health day. It was good until mile 3.5, my knee felt a pain I’ve never felt before. I’m a pretty avid runner, though it’s been awhile since I’ve been outside (it was a chilly 45° cloudy afternoon but it was enough to get me outside), so I figured the change in terrain was to blame.

Today’s I set out for the same run, figuring if I’m consistent with it it will be fine.

1.5 miles in and the pain is almost unbearable.

I turned around, walked a little, and couldn’t hold back the pain I was trying so hard to hide by biting my lip and pushing on.

So here I am, walking.

I don’t like needing to be this person.

This person who needs breaks and who can’t do the seemingly simple things I’ve done all my  life.

I know this will all pass. I know it’s a time, or a phase, or maybe there’s a bigger reason. But I know it won’t last. I’m just impatient to get back to the person I know I am and can be.

It’s frustrating to not be and feel yourself.

7 thoughts on “Word Vomit

  1. sarahschulte321 says:

    I’m sorry that you are feeling like you just can’t win! I know what you are feeling, as I too have gotten upset at something that may seem “small” to other people, like burning your bagel. I get it. You are not alone. I hope the pain you are feeling when you run subsides.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. paulabourque says:

    One of the ‘good’ things about times like this is that it makes the good times that much sweeter-especially if you let yourself feel and observe what’s going on and not try to suppress it. This blog post is a good example of that. Step back and observe what your are feeling, what the causes might be, and what actions you are taking to deal with it and care for yourself… basically name it and claim it. Then we can recognize that “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”-because it will, and when it does your gratitude for a different experience will be even more intense. Sending you some love and light, Jenna!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Danielle says:

    I’ve been there – having days where you’re on the verge of tears. Being a planner, but not having a life plan for the moment, feeling the effects of aging even before we’re officially “over the hill”! You’re not alone. I blame seasonal changes and lack of “milestones” at this stage of my life. I’m so glad you got to take a day for yourself, and that you got out of the house. That usually makes me feel better. Wishing you good vibes over the weekend!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. stephaniemeier94 says:

    Oh girl you are speaking to my soul AGAIN. I had a similar experience last year where it all became too much and I needed a day. There’s such a stigma that comes attached to needing some time- but there shouldn’t be. You’re human. You’re in a profession that requires you to be operating at 110% all the time. Seasonal depression is REAL and your feelings are VALID. It’s ok to need a break. It’s ok to walk the mile. It’s ok to sit down, too. Thanks for sharing your heart in this one. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. mcoop1st says:

    I believe in wellness days from school. I haven’t had to do it this year but have done it in the past. That is why they are called personal days. I am sorry you have an injury. Listen to your body. Ice and elevate and try again in a few days. If it still hurts, you may be visiting dad for advice on what to do. Don’t feel defeated, every school teacher in March knows exactly what you are talking about with Assessments, Report Cards Parent Conferences and whatever other things you are involved in. Here is to a April… we get a full week off from school!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Darin Johnston says:

    1) Listen to your body. It’s telling you something. Allow yourself to heal so you can do the things you love. This coming from the guy who didn’t listen when he was having a stroke, but that’s beside the point! 🙂

    2) They are called “sick” days for a reason. Whether you are feverish or blue, if you need the day, you take the day. We as teachers do a horrible job of taking care of ourselves. I was happy to see you did take the day, but we need to listen to our bodies mentally as well.

    3) It will get green. The temperature will rise above 40 degrees. Spring will get here and soon after that summer. Take care of you and let the rest sit.

    Be well! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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