I write this is a walk a mile back to the car; feeling defeated and like I just can’t win, even when I try so hard.
Seasonal depression hits me pretty hard, especially around the February/March mark- which, I know, hits most hard.
I guess that’s why I felt so defeated, like a failure and like someone who broke even when she tried so hard not to break.
The past two weeks have been the hardest 2 weeks I’ve mentally had in as long as I can remember. I was breaking down because we ran out of plastic bags. I was a puddle on the floor because I forgot about the bagel I was roasting and it burned. I was in tears, or on the verge of, just about every hour of the day- including at school (which as you all know is so so hard).
I don’t really know why. Nothing awful is happening in my life, at all, unless you count the fact that I like a plan and I feel like my life has no plan, but that’s like a whole other problem.
In fact, things really couldn’t get any better; until i get my cat, and the sun comes out, and the grass shows green, and it’s warmer than 40°.
I finally broke this past week. Jake convinced me to take a day. I didn’t want to; I’ve never done that. Ive never felt so defeated that I needed to “take a day”, and finally being at the point where I wrote out my personal day form- I felt like I had hit the lowest of lows. (This is not meant to “bash on” those who take these mental health days!! I am jealous of the fact that you can take them with pride and not guilt!!)
I added a 4 mile run in to my mental health day. It was good until mile 3.5, my knee felt a pain I’ve never felt before. I’m a pretty avid runner, though it’s been awhile since I’ve been outside (it was a chilly 45° cloudy afternoon but it was enough to get me outside), so I figured the change in terrain was to blame.
Today’s I set out for the same run, figuring if I’m consistent with it it will be fine.
1.5 miles in and the pain is almost unbearable.
I turned around, walked a little, and couldn’t hold back the pain I was trying so hard to hide by biting my lip and pushing on.
So here I am, walking.
I don’t like needing to be this person.
This person who needs breaks and who can’t do the seemingly simple things I’ve done all my life.
I know this will all pass. I know it’s a time, or a phase, or maybe there’s a bigger reason. But I know it won’t last. I’m just impatient to get back to the person I know I am and can be.
It’s frustrating to not be and feel yourself.