Is it Saturday yet?

I’m already dreading tomorrow. And the next day. And every day until the weekend again.

Not because I don’t like my job- I love my job.

But tomorrow is Monday, and Monday’s are so long. My after school program starts tomorrow, and it’s snowy and cold and we aren’t able to go outside, and that’s really depressing.

And after practice, I have an appointment, and while I don’t mind it, and I feel good after, it’s knowing that even after that my night still isn’t over.

After that I have MMA practice. And while I love going, it’s a half hour away and it’s later in the evening and I don’t get home until 9ish. And by then, as you can see, it’s been a long day.

Tuesday I have conferences until 6:00pm.

Wednesday I have my after school program again, and MMA practice again. So another late night.

Thursday I have conferences until 7:00pm.

Friday night I have a talent show to attend, and while fun, at that point I’ll be ready for a few drinks rather than a few hours sitting in an auditorium.

And then Saturday and Sunday I’ll have some free time and I’ll be able to relax and catch up on sleep.

But until then, I’m really dreading this long week.

What do you do when you know you have long days ahead of you? What is your favorite thing to eat to give you energy? I plan on making some of the PB energy balls tonight, as well as getting some fruits this week. I usually eat a salad at lunch but I’m thinking I may go with sandwiches this week, they tend to keep me a little more full- though maybe I’ll do a wrap.

I’d love to start making smoothies again but it’s so much prep and clean up time.

I do nuts with my chocolate sometimes but sometimes find it not completely satisfying.

I just know I’ll really need some pick me ups this week- and I know I won’t make it to the gym very much, if at all besides MMA practice, so I’d like to not snack on chips and cookies all week.

I wish I could afford someone to make my food.

Advertisements

Delta Phi Epsilon

Happy founders day to the sorority that showed me just how okay it is to be completely and truly yourself in a world that so eagerly tries to conform you. The strong, fun, unique and beautiful women I met changed my outlook on life and who I surround myself with! I used to so desperately try to hide parts of myself before joining Delta Phi Epsilon, and then I realized that the things I was so insecure about were the things that fueled people to love me. A huge thank you to my sisters and the foundational beliefs of this sorority for showing me that laughter cures anything, beauty isn’t your waist size, and bettering yourself is the best thing you can do for the people you love. YITS

Adaptable

A few weeks ago a mentor, friend, and fellow blogger asked me to come up with an acrostic poem to share with other teachers and educators. I thought today I’d share what I wrote. Her “prompt” was this- “Think of a word or phrase that relates to your teaching or beliefs about kids and create an acrostic poem from it” My response was this:

Adaptable

A child is never

Definite;

A child is ever changing.

Perhaps we should create an environment

That accepts that each day for them is like

A new life to explore.

Be flexible enough to know that

Learning will happen when we allow

Each child to learn in their own way.

                                  -Jenna Sementelli

Today I started simply don’t want to write.

It’s snowy and annoying, I’ve got report I need to stop procrastinating on, and I really want to paint my nails.

I’ll find some motivation to write tomorrow 🙂

Colorado Calling

I remember driving through New Hampshire one day; I think it was October, the leaves were colorful, the weather was beautiful, and we were on our way to another weekend adventure. He was driving, and I was staring longingly out the window, in awe of how amazing the mountains looked as the road curved us around them.

“It is so beautiful here. The mountains are perfect. I love this drive.”

“If you love this, you’ll love Colorado. I can’t wait to drive you through those mountains. You will be so happy.”

We never made it to Colorado, and he ended up taking that cross country trip out west without me about 2 months after he left me.

“I need to get away.” I texted her. “I need to get out of Maine and I need the mountains and I need some girl time.”

“I’ve got a bed and a car if you can get on a plane I’m free February break!”

Within 24 hours I had booked my tickets for February break to go visit a friend (who, mind you, I had never actually met in person) in Colorado.

We went to the same high school, we had a few mutual friends, and we were social media acquaintances. She would like and comment on my adventures, and I on hers. We had always felt that we were the same spirited person, and we always knew one day we’d venture somewhere together.

I knew Colorado was a place I wanted to see, and I almost felt like I had to go. I had to prove to myself that I didn’t need him to take me there. He wasn’t the source of my thirst for a weekend away creating adventures wherever I could, but he showed me that I had that thirst and I had to show myself that I could quench it on my own.

I hesitated for a minute, I was never good at spontaneity; though I have to admit, that was another good thing that came from the relationship I had with him. He never hesitated a moment that involved adventure, and it’s what brought us to so many places and what called us to do so many cool things.

My moment of hesitation quickly passed when I remembered all of the money I had dropped on plane rides to North Carolina and all the gas I used driving to and from the Cape every week for 2 summers. I had so easily and quickly spent the money on that, I knew I needed to spend this money on myself.

February break came and I boarded that plane solo heading across time zones to meet my new friend and fulfill a beautiful memory I had not yet made. I was excited and nervous, but it felt so freeing. I was doing it, and I was doing it for me- by myself.

He was right, like I knew he’d be. I loved those mountains. They were incredible. But what made them even better was that I saw them in the passenger seat of a vehicle I’ve never known, with a friend I had just met, and a new love in my heart.

“Here, let me take a cool picture of you right here” she said.

Girls just “get it”. We all love a good photograph of us in pretty places.

“I hope you’re having a fantastic time! I can’t wait to see you and hear all about it when you get back!” the text read from the new love. He had no idea what he was supporting, he had only just come in to my life a few weeks before hand, but he had already made me believe that the life I would continue with him when I returned would be full of that squeeze-your-hand-so-tight-so-you-know-I-care feeling.

When the time came to go back to Maine, I felt ready. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe, without feeling like such a huge part of my life was gone. We all lose things when a relationship ends; and I was so scared that my opportunities to adventure were gone. I knew I could still hike, and paddle board, and visit the ocean- but I proved to myself that I could do the bigger things, too- like get on a plane, fly to a new place, and explore unknown territory with people I’ve only just met. I’m not a huge fan of solo-traveling, simply because I believe that the best adventures and experiences are shared, but now I know I can do it, and that is something I truly needed.

 

27972134_10214132342795205_3430317368353092165_n   27973369_10214142599091606_9043582400473395878_n

Talk about a crazy Monday…

Today I got two new students. Both behind where most of my students are now, not just academically, but socially as well- not to mention just not knowing our routines. It was crazy, to say the least. I was able to pair them up with students in the class who I know are responsible and would be able to take care of the little things I may have forgotten (“put your name at the top of the paper, right here-” “when you’re done with your snack, the trashcan is right here!” – they were so sweet, and were great with being so helpful).

I found myself getting super frustrated at times, and I remembered how much I struggle with the beginning of the year when my babies are truly just babies coming in to the classroom, some for the first time; all being told to do way more than should be acceptable and expected.

That is one of the biggest reasons my heart is craving a new grade. I love kindergarten, I love the sweetness and innocence and silliness of it all; but I don’t think I can handle another year of reverting back to helping kids hang up a jacket on a hanger or put their backpacks in a cubby. My heart, truly, is there- but my mentality and patience is not.

Also, I can’t stand feeling defeated at the end of the year anymore. These kids are expected to read and write at such high levels, and I feel like a failure if I can’t get them there. I know I use my time during the year wisely and effectively. Do I have fun? Yes. Do I take time to let them get their wiggles out, or to take a quick “10 minute nap” when I see how truly exhausted they are? Absolutely. I know my kids better than anyone, I know that they produce their best writing in the morning, and I know they need at least 6 dance breaks a day. I know they need music to feel more relaxed and I know that hugs and hand holding are more important to them than that extra 2 minutes of rhyming words or addition problems. I know what I need to do, but I also know what is expected of me to teach them, and sometimes those two things don’t work together, and the end result is not “picture perfect” sometimes.

I told myself I never wanted to teach higher than 3rd grade, but as of recent events (that is, teachers in my district leaving), I have thought more and more about going up to the higher grades. 4th grade next year would be my first group of kinders and I think it’d be so amazing to go back with them. I’ve heard whispers of a 5th grade possibility and I can’t lie to myself, it’s been tempting to think about.

One of our first grade teachers is retiring, and I fully plan on sneaking in to that spot if nothing else opens up. It wouldn’t be a huge jump, but it might be just enough for me to feel less stressed and anxious.

Today was a crazy enough Monday to make me consider teaching literally any other grade besides kindergarten.

But then my boyfriend, who teaches at the middle school and high school level, tells me stories of his days as well, and I can’t say that sounds much more enticing….

I know each grade has their struggles. I just can’t wait to find my perfect fit.

Happiness

B42CE35B-9B32-4740-B1AA-0F2E6F6BB60C

There are different kinds of happiness, and I had found a kind happiness that didn’t involve anyone but me.

But then you came along, and with that came the happiness that shines through your soul when you find someone you so desperately want to spend all your time with.

Even when you spend some of that time napping on me.

I am so glad to have had you walk in to my life and bring that happiness.

Thank you <3

I feel this post is only fitting to follow my last one; it’s something I haven’t so much said, but have wanted to, but could never really find the words, because there just really aren’t any that will ever truly tell them how much they mean to me.

August 26th was the Saturday before I needed to head to school for the start of the year. It was a beautiful day filled with soccer tournaments (my first year coaching high school!) and I was so ready and excited for the rest of the season and for my 4th year of teaching to begin.

Fast forward to that following Monday, and I’m really not sure how I made it out of bed.

I’m not sure how I cut all those tennis balls to cover the feet of my chairs and tables- the ones he promised me he’d do for me.

I’m not sure how I stuffed 6 papers in all 22 of those folders for open house night- the ones he told me not to worry about because I had more important things to get ready.

I’m not sure how I moved things around, did the last minute cleaning and organizing, and making sure I had everything in place for that first day.

It is all a blur- literally. I think I cried the entire time.

And then she walked in.

And she was so helpful and nice and I was nothing but cold and distant.

And then the two of them together made it their mission to make those following days the easiest they could for me.

They took on so much extra work to keep me less stressed. They made sure I was at least drinking water, if not also eating literally anything I could keep down. They stepped in when a random break down would occur, and before I could even ask for help, one of them, if not both, were there to cover for me.

I didn’t miss a single day of school because of you, but I missed a lot of moments. I missed being present and happy for those first few weeks. I missed being myself and being involved and being positive and outgoing. I missed letting my new teacher get to know the real side of me, and I missed catching up with my partner teacher on happy and fun things. I missed smiles and laughs and hugs. Because I let you get in the way.

And they were there through every single second of it. For the silent moments, the crying moments, the angry moments- they listened to every story a thousands times, they let me rant over and over- they were everything I needed and went above and beyond to make sure I got back to myself.

I would not have made it through those first couple of months without them, there is no doubt in my mind that those two saved me from myself. I can’t even come up with ways that would be good enough to thank them.

They have become my rocks, my go-tos, my “protectors”- my life is so much better because of who they are to me and what they do for me.

Fast forward to now- this post would have been up a long time ago, but my phone died and I haven’t been near a computer at all today. Because I hadn’t been present in our group chat they both made it their mission to get in touch with me by other sources.

Those are the kind of friends I need in my life, and I am SO lucky that these two women are not just teachers I work with, but friends I talk to on a daily (hourly…minutely…) basis.

 

 

Independence

I don’t enjoy being alone; I can do it, but it’s not super fun for me like it is for others. I’m a huge extrovert, so having no one around makes me really sad and lonely. I thrive off of people- whether they are people I know or strangers, and I enjoy company doing even the simplest of things- like getting gas or grocery shopping.

This trait is shown in a few different ways; when I need to use the bathroom at a bar, I want my friends to go with me. When I have to run errands, I want someone to join me. When I have work to get done, I like the company of someone in the same room.

Because of this, being independent was never something I was really good at. I could do it, I just never wanted to, and always felt abandoned when I had to be.

When I was dating my ex, I had to be independent- his job took him away a lot, and he was a very selfish person. When he was around, I wanted to do anything and everything with him- not because I had to, but because I wanted to. I had missed him and wanted to soak in his company, or I knew he’d be leaving again soon and I wanted to savor every moment, no matter how small. But he didn’t always see it like that. He saw clingy. He saw dependence.

3 years of plane rides, long drives, weeks apart and weekend only visits really strengthened the independent side of me, and honestly it was probably one of the best things that came out of that relationship.

I don’t believe I was ever truly dependent on him; I think my desire to cherish moments and my want for company was just too strong for his self-centered personality.

Because of that relationship, I had to become more and more okay with being alone. I had to be okay traveling alone. I had to be okay exploring alone, hiking alone, eating alone. I had to be okay with plans changing because he suddenly had to or wanted to do something that I couldn’t be involved in. I was shown that his wants and needs were more important than ours- notice I said ours and not mine- I never once tried to put my wants and needs above his, but I had tried to encourage our wants and needs over his own (sometimes) because I saw our relationship failing.

My attempts fell on deaf ears- or rather, self-serving ears, because he heard my requests but they were never a priority to him (he actually told me in his break up text that I would never be a number 1 priority to him).

I was alone and broken and really wasn’t sure how to move forward.

Then I had reminders of how strong I am. I had reminders of how much I can do on my own, how much I had learned and gained from being independent for so long. I had friends to lean on because I hadn’t lost them through the relationship. I had hobbies to do because I had to immerse myself in activities during the times he wasn’t around. I had strength to do things by myself because being by myself wasn’t new to me.

Fast forward 6 months and I’m in a relationship with someone new. Someone who loves my company when he goes to get his car washed. Someone who waits for me to go grocery shopping because he says its more fun to do together. Someone who enjoys me being around when he’s doing work or watching YouTube videos. Someone who wants to do things together because he wants to spend time with me.

And the best part? He sees my independence and he encourages it, and in turn that encourages him to be independent as well. And then- we meet up at the end of our independent time, and enjoy the company and stories from when we were apart.

Zach, thank you for helping me become this version of myself. Thank you for being selfish, for putting me and us aside to make room for more of yourself. I always supported that side of you, even though it tore me apart. But while you were tearing me apart, I didn’t realize how much you were also building me up. I can do so much by myself now, things I never believed I could or would do. I can enjoy time alone, even if I’d rather company- I can at least enjoy the alone time now. Because of you. You were selfish but your happiness for me made me thrive. You left me alone, but you were so proud of me when I told you a new story about something I conquered on my own. You put your needs and wants in front of us, but you always asked how my needs and wants were coming- because I had to do it on my own. My classroom. My training. My hobbies. My chores. You weren’t there, but you cared.

And now, I have someone who not only cares, but who is here, and who is always willing to help.

I know I don’t need help.

But it’s nice to have.

Substitutes

I have a professional development day today, which leaves me out of the classroom while my kiddos are there, causing trouble without me (lets be honest, they are probably less trouble when I am gone because I think I totally egg them on during the day 😉 ). We have a really hard time getting substitutes, but I am so lucky that the ed tech I share with the other kindergarten teacher is willing and able (and well, forced) to step up and take on the day. It’s not right that she has to do that- it leaves the other teacher without help and it’s just not fair to make her take on that task (even though its a task she takes on daily, as she is not just my helper, she is absolutely just as much their teacher)- but she does it anyway.

I could go on and on about her and my partner teacher but I’ll save that for a sappier post.

I hate leaving my kids for the day. I stress, I get anxious, I wonder how they’re doing, I wonder if I forgot anything, and I desperately miss their hilarious interactions.

I am banking on a snow day tomorrow, but I can’t wait to see the kids again on Friday! I am like a celebrity to them- they always make me feel the greatest! Even if I leave for just a few minutes, when I come back I’m bombarded with hugs and I missed yous and the happiest faces. My days can be super long and stressful, but they make it all worth it.