Grow up.
Get over it.
You’re fine.
Let it go.
Don’t be dumb.
^All literal things I say to myself whenever my anxiety kicks in. Sometimes, even out loud.
I saw a therapist for a while- mostly because I went through the worst break up (what 20 something year old doesn’t say those exact words), really- I lost more weight than I’d like to admit, I was in a deep hole of despair, I isolated myself from everyone, I was literally reliving those moments every hour of the day- it was misery I’d never experienced before, and after about a month of this, I was in a puddle on the floor of my classroom sobbing to my soon-to-be-therapist about why I needed to see her.
The first few weeks were a complete blur- literally, through tear stained eyes, I poured my heart out about that relationship.
Anxiety.
After those first initial talks, she started to get to know me. Asking questions about my past, growing up, friends, other relationships, family, school, etc.
Anxiety.
Through those talks we tried to relate who I was (I took a little personality test which was actually kind of fun and intriguing) and my thoughts and actions.
Anxiety.
In short, I have had many experiences that have brought out a lot of anxiety- either in the moment, or after the fact. Past, present, and future.
This slice wasn’t supposed to be about my anxiety, but when I sat down to start writing, those were the first words in my head.
This slice was supposed to be about this:
“Always make your past self jealous.”
Oh man, how I wish I did this.
Some days, I think I do. Some days I look at how far I’ve come since my gross middle school girl drama days, my high school highs and lows, my too-much college times, the puddle I picked myself up from…and I think- man, I did good. Look at me.
And then there are times my mind wanders to the literal worst things- the anxiety hole that completely sucks me in- the one where it almost ruins everything. The “stuff” that reminds me of who I was when I was 14, 15, 16…20, 21, 22…..24, 25, 26….now……
And I realize, I haven’t completely grown up. I haven’t “gotten there”. I haven’t “made it”. I still revert back sometimes. I still am my past self sometimes.
But sometimes, I’m not. And that’s what keeps me going and reminds me that I can get there.
Anxiety is my biggest problem- for everything. School, professional life, relationships, personal life…any and all “problems” (whether real or made up in my head) all stem from that one, 4 syllable, word. Anxiety.
I want to make my past self jealous. I want to look back someday and say I did it, I beat who I used to be, I took her and made her better. I’m working toward it.
But I’m not there yet.
Thank you, Dove Chocolate, for reminding me of a goal I never knew I set for myself.
You can find me in the clouds... 
GIRL. You are speaking to my SOUL. I struggle heavily with anxiety as well. And comparison. And constant feelings of “not good enough”. I think that those feelings are maximized in the wake of a traumatic life change like a brutal breakup (been there, recently, I get it) and the stress of our job, honestly. But. I’m so glad you’re reminded of your goal, and that you realize it’s okay not to be there …yet. You’ll get there. Sending you all the love!
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Compare, “not good enough”, “what ifs…” my life lol! I struggle hard some days but am slowly getting “better” I guess? Reading, therapy, keeping myself busy, all things that help (sometimes! sometimes I just cry and/or eat LOL). Sending you love, too!
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Oh my goodness I relate to this so much. I struggle with anxiety as well and I for sure see it pour over in every aspect of my life. That’s partially why I’ve enjoyed this writing challenge so much! A chance to list a grateful thought or story from the day where in the past, I’d be so bogged down in the negatives. Wishing you joy!
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This is beautifully raw and honest. You are so brave. Forgive yourself and just be you every day. You’ve got this. Thanks for sharing.
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This is beautifully honest and real. You can do this! I am COMPLETELY a different person than I was when I was in my early 20s. Of course, I sometimes think back to those days, but you have to look ahead. Look to the person you are becoming. I, too, did not truly grow up until I was in my early thirties (thirty-one to be exact). But I have found my path, and even though it’s a little difficult to follow at times, I have stayed on the course. Just because you find solace in chocolate, I can also relate (although, I find it in ice cream, Doritos, double cheeseburgers, chocolate chip cookies too:). Let the things that make you happy drive your days, and know that I look forward to reading each and every one of your posts. You can do this! Thank you for sharing!
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Mmmm Ice cream, Doritos (cool ranch!) double cheese burgers, and chocolate chip cookies sound SO GOOD! Thanks for the comment! I’ve got a few more years to 31, so maybe that’ll be my lucky number, too!
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This is a powerful and vulnerable slice. Thanks for sharing – I found it interesting how you sat down to write with something completely different in mind and your pen (keyboard) took you elsewhere. Keep on fighting and finding the wisdom in tiny chocolates. 😉
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I heard a blurb in an interview once that stuck with me: YOU ARE NOT YOUR ANXIETY. I wish I could have wrote down more of what was said in that interview, but that little snippet helped me realize so much. As frightening and overpowering anxiety is, I have found that remembering those five words help me.
Thanks for your honesty about life.
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Now I wish I had some Dove chocolate around to see what message it has for me. 🙂
I think we are always a work in progress, and I hope I keep growing into a better version of myself. It sounds to me like you’re doing that. Keep giving it the best you’ve got!
Your Slice also reminds me of the short story Eleven by Sandra Cisneros; you know, you’re not just the age you are, but all the ages you used to be, too.
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Interesting how much Dove chocolate can bring up. One day it brought me to tears on the way home. Sometimes I wish it was just chocolate.
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Great, honest slice. I have anxiety too. And like you, as much as I wish I could say I’m better than my past self and how my past self dealt with it, most of the time I’m not. I’m aware it’s anxiety now. Which I think is a step. And helps some.
But honestly, whether it’s anxiety or something else, I think everyone is still a work in progress.
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Deeply revealing and well expressed. Meaningful messages such as the one in the chocolate wrapper can sometimes come from the unlikeliest places. I wish you much luck toward your goal. You will meet it.
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