Goodbye for now!

Thank you all for once again letting me into your life as well as listening in to mine. I find comfort reading posts i can relate to and i find peace within myself when i can freely express what I’m feeling.

I wish you all the best for the rest of the year and a relaxing and joyful time with your friends and loved ones!

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Lost on me

Yoga is lost on me.

I can do the physical act of yoga, but the clearing of the mind, the stillness- I can’t do it.

I try, but my body is too restless and my mind too constant.

I will continue to try, but I think it’s only ever going to be nothing but a good stretch for me.

That kind of week

I can’t believe 2 days slipped away from me fast enough that I forgot to blog. This week has definitely been a hard one.

April is almost here, and that means that April break is right around the corner! My kids have been really off lately, which puts me in an off mood, too. Aside from that, we have to make up our snow day time starting next week- which means going an extra hour a day at school for the whole week.

Along with that, spring sports have started up. I coach Girls on the Run program at my school, and I plan to make some of the high school events as well (when you’re dating a high school teacher it’s kind of expected by the kids that you’ll be at all of their games 😉).

I’m in need of that April break. I’m going to Vermont with Jake for a couple of days and then when we get back he’s off to New York with some students for a few days and I will be taking some “me” time. I’ve got a movie night planned with the girls, I’m getting my hair done and my mom is coming and we’re getting lunch after, I plan to run every day with a friend while we work on getting our miles in for our half marathon in May, and I’ll probably go through a gallon of ice cream and a big bottle of wine in those few days!

I love my job, my students, my after school activities, and my daily life routines; but I am really looking forward to a week of “not normal”, fun, and no real worry or responsibilities. 11 school days left until my 7 days of relaxation are here!

The best part about…

The best part about work is working with people you enjoy seeing every day.

The best part about those people you see every day is that they become such huge part of your day to day routine.

The best part about them becoming a part of your routine is that you create a friendship that goes beyond the classroom doors.

The best part about being friends beyond classroom doors is that you get to go through their home door (even if it’s only through Facebook video chat).

The best part about Facebook video chat is that you can cook dinner, eat ice cream, clean, or do whatever else while you’re talking to those friends who you just saw hours before in the classroom.

The best part of all of that is that even after your Facebook video chat ends, you still end up messaging each other through your group message.

My boyfriend doesn’t even bother asking who I’m always texting- when he sees or hears my phone go off a thousand times a minute he just says “tell Meg and Liz I say hi!” 😂 We’re considering setting our men up in their own Facebook group chat so they don’t feel so left out 🙃

Choices

Today I found out I’ll have some cash coming to me that I hadn’t planned on.

I’ve spent most of my day planning out my next tattoo now- I know I could (should?) save the money, but I love getting new tattoos.

Then I thought, maybe I’ll spend it on a trip this summer!

And then I realized that it didn’t really matter what I did with the money because  I tend to not worry too much about what I spend- I know when I can, can’t, should, and shouldn’t- and I know that all of my choices are made for a reason.

So I’ll sit here and keep planning my life choices out, and wait for the right time to make them.

A perfect day

Today was one of those days that at the end of it you just think back and say “what a perfect day”. We got up and ready to ride with the Kennebec Vally Bicycle club- something Jake loves to do and wants to do more of, and I was so happy he invited me to join him. It was a 17 mike bike ride that ended at a maple farm, which was also perfect because he loves everything maple. He could’ve ridden along with the front of the pack; he’s a much better rider than I am, but he stayed behind with me and we bikes together on this chilly but beautiful spring morning.

Then we got some yummy maple treats, got mozzarella sticks and calzones, ate lunch while watching Pitch Perfect 2, and took a nap once we filled our bellies.

Woke up around 430pm. He worked on the bikes a little bit then we went to Walmart to buy little things like toothpaste and paper towels. We goofed off and rode bikes around Walmart for a bit, then realized we still needed dinner, and we settled on stuffing- lol, neither of us were really hungry.  We left Walmart and drove around for a bit before heading back to the apartment.

Now we’re sitting here, getting ready to watch Pitch Perfect 3, and probably fall asleep.

Today was a perfect day.

The thing about life…

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As freeing as the mountains are, as calming as the blue skies, the rain- the rain is cleansing. The rain washes away the fears and doubts and troubles. It’s relentless as it hits you and reminds you to feel; you’re alive. It challenges you to open up to its beauty and see through the blur it temporarily creates; forcing you to remember that you need the rain to feel alive just as much as you need the sun, the mountains, the perfect sky.

 

I posted that picture and wrote that caption with it back in October. It was the first hike I had done on my own, but also with a group of strangers. I joined a club called “Women Who Hike” and I follow along with where their group hikes go, and join when I can. There was a group of probably 20 women from all over New England and we did a hike in the White Mountains. The day was absolutely beautiful, as you can see. I felt strong, empowered, free, and calm.

The following weekend, it was rainy. My days had been up and down since August, and it was definitely a “down” time when the weather was as dreary and lifeless as my heart felt. I had to go outside to my car to get something, and I remember being angry that I needed to go out in the rain. And then I stepped out. And the rain felt warmer than I had thought. And I let it hit me for a couple of seconds before jogging to my car. And then I sat in the car, listening to the rain hit and watching through my sunroof. And I remember just sitting there thinking that I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep reverting back to my depressed and angry ways. I had made some peace and I was moving forward with my life, but sometimes I felt myself moving backwards.

I got back out of the car and sat there in the rain for a minute. Thinking about all the good, all the bad, and the fun and sad and happy and downright awful times I’ve had in my life. And I realized that that’s just life. It’s never going to go exactly your way. It’s never going to be sunny skies, warm weather, and easy going laid back days. And it took me months to realize that. It took shitty weather and being alone to realize that that’s LIFE. And that life will always be exactly what’s in front of you, in that moment, but it is also all the moments to come. And all the moments before.

It takes all kinds of weather to make the days, the seasons, the months and the years.

It takes all kinds of emotions and behaviors and activities to make them, too.

Ink therapy

Since last years Slice of Life, I’ve gotten 2 new tattoos.

Daisies are my favorite flower. I’ve wanted a daisy tattoo for a while, but I knew I wanted it to be detailed and big, so I knew it would be expensive and I needed to be completely ready for it.

I got the tattoo a couple months after my break up, and it was one of those “healing things” I needed to do. My tattoo artist designed the most perfect center, and he gave a couple of the petals a little twist of their own; wilted petals to symbolize the imperfection of beauty and life. I was absolutely in love with it, and it’s one of my favorite pieces. It has so much meaning behind it, but it can be summed up completely with my favorite quote: “Love her but leave her wild”

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My second new tattoo is of a pine tree. I have always been an avid hiker and outdoors person. Being in the woods lets me think and breathe and pray more clearly. It’s absolutely my favorite place to be. This tattoo has a lot of meaning behind it as well- mostly about finding myself again and knowing that I am enough- but can best be summed up with this song lyric: “I’ve been through the desert and I’ve been across the sea// I’ve been walking through the mountains and wandered through the trees for her// I have been trying to find her want to give what I got”

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Oh, I also got my nose pierced the same day I got my tree tattoo! My brother’s girlfriend came with me, and I convinced her to get her first tattoo right then on the spot- and she said she would only do it if I got my nose pierced that day- so, she did, and I did 🙂

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Winter is the death of me

Today is the first day of Spring, though it does not really seem like it at the moment. It is stupid cold. There is snow up to my knees. I can’t wear my cute little sneakers without feeling ridiculous. My classroom is freezing. I still have to wear a hat and mittens.

I know, I know- I live in Maine. I’ve lived in Maine for 26 years, I should be used to this by now.

But I still hate it.

I want to see the ground. I want the green grass to start showing, the trees to start budding, the flowers to start blooming. I want to see the Earth come to life- ants, spiders, bees, butterflies, ladybugs. I want the sun to shine a warm glow upon me and through my classroom windows. I want the birds to sing me awake in the morning and to sleep during my weekend afternoon nap. I want to run outside in a t-shirt.

I want to open my sunroof and roll down my windows. I want to blast my happy music while driving my newly washed and cleaned car. I want to spring clean my apartment- move everything out and scrub ceiling to floor, rearrange everything.

I want to bring myself to life again.

To see someone

I never thought I’d give in and see a therapist.

I thought I’d look weak, defeated.

I never wanted to admit that I was so lost, because of people who are no longer in my life.

I never wanted to discuss my eating disorder.

I never wanted to talk about my anxiety over the littlest, sometimes silliest things.

I never wanted to cry in front of a complete stranger.

I never wanted to scream and get angry in front of someone who doesn’t know where the pain is coming from.

But I finally gave in. I made the call, sobbing in my classroom. I made the appointments every week for 4 months. And then it was every 2 weeks. And then every 3. And now it’s once a month.

And it’s one of the most freeing Monday’s of the month.