As freeing as the mountains are, as calming as the blue skies, the rain- the rain is cleansing. The rain washes away the fears and doubts and troubles. It’s relentless as it hits you and reminds you to feel; you’re alive. It challenges you to open up to its beauty and see through the blur it temporarily creates; forcing you to remember that you need the rain to feel alive just as much as you need the sun, the mountains, the perfect sky.
I posted that picture and wrote that caption with it back in October. It was the first hike I had done on my own, but also with a group of strangers. I joined a club called “Women Who Hike” and I follow along with where their group hikes go, and join when I can. There was a group of probably 20 women from all over New England and we did a hike in the White Mountains. The day was absolutely beautiful, as you can see. I felt strong, empowered, free, and calm.
The following weekend, it was rainy. My days had been up and down since August, and it was definitely a “down” time when the weather was as dreary and lifeless as my heart felt. I had to go outside to my car to get something, and I remember being angry that I needed to go out in the rain. And then I stepped out. And the rain felt warmer than I had thought. And I let it hit me for a couple of seconds before jogging to my car. And then I sat in the car, listening to the rain hit and watching through my sunroof. And I remember just sitting there thinking that I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep reverting back to my depressed and angry ways. I had made some peace and I was moving forward with my life, but sometimes I felt myself moving backwards.
I got back out of the car and sat there in the rain for a minute. Thinking about all the good, all the bad, and the fun and sad and happy and downright awful times I’ve had in my life. And I realized that that’s just life. It’s never going to go exactly your way. It’s never going to be sunny skies, warm weather, and easy going laid back days. And it took me months to realize that. It took shitty weather and being alone to realize that that’s LIFE. And that life will always be exactly what’s in front of you, in that moment, but it is also all the moments to come. And all the moments before.
It takes all kinds of weather to make the days, the seasons, the months and the years.
It takes all kinds of emotions and behaviors and activities to make them, too.