Til death do us part

“What will you miss when you die?”

This is a writing prompt I saw, and knew I had to take 5 minutes to think about. While my overall piece took longer than 5 minutes to write, the gist of it was clear: I will miss a lot of what is right now, but I will miss a lot of what could be as well.

Which got me reflecting a lot about where I am in this mess of my 20’s.

I took this Snapchat yesterday morning.

I was late to school.

I forgot my breakfast.

And my classroom keys.

And I knew I had a long day ahead of me (not getting home until 8ish).

I made this joke, that, if I were to die from this busy day (I know, I’m dramatic), I would at least have died wearing a favorite pair of earrings. It was shortly after this that I saw the writing prompt about “what will you miss when you die?” and I got to thinking-

what would I miss?

I would miss Rello. His snuggles and his floof. His kisses on my cheek as I pick him up when I walk through the door, his snuggles every morning and night.

I would miss my nightly FaceTime conversations with my best friend who lives 2 hours away.

I would miss visiting my parents almost every weekend- and thinking about that makes me wish I would visit them more often.

I would miss running with my dad on “7 mile Sunday”.

I would miss my mom’s cookies that she sneaks in my laundry every now and then.

I would miss my brother’s short but sweet weekly texts and him making sure I’m investing in the best stocks.

I would miss my coworkers- I am truly blessed to work with some of the greatest, sweetest, and funniest people I know- and not only to work with them, but to called them friends.

I would miss my students.

I would miss hiking on Saturdays with my friend.

I would miss my self-care routines on Sundays.

I would miss making pizza, going to Fielder’s Choice, and driving with my sunroof open.

But writing all this down, thinking about what I would miss, got me feeling sad- but not for the reason you may think.

Of course I’d be sad to miss all of those things.

But I felt this gut-wrenching sadness thinking about the things I don’t even have yet- the things I can’t miss, because they aren’t mine.

I don’t have a boyfriend or husband. My days are filled with so many things and people, but I don’t have that “special someone”- I don’t have a “forever after”, a “partner”.

I would miss that opportunity. I would miss the chance that I haven’t had- the chance to spend my life with someone. The chance to buy a house, get married, and start a family. I would miss the moments I haven’t yet shared. I would miss the inside jokes I don’t yet have. I would miss the joys and excitement and challenge of creating a life with someone that I haven’t yet met.

I don’t have children. I would miss that opportunity. I would miss the happiness, fear, pain, struggles, joy, and love of creating and raising a human of my own. I would miss the smile I haven’t seen, the face I can’t even yet picture, the name I don’t know.

So, to answer the question “what will you miss when you die”, I guess I’ll say this:

I’ll miss everything my life is now- my cozy 1 bedroom apartment with Rello. My family and friends. My students and school. My passions.

But I’ll also miss the opportunities for creating a future. I’ll miss the chances I wouldn’t be able to take. The people I wouldn’t be able to meet. The dates I couldn’t go on. The memories I couldn’t make. The life I hope to have, the one I’m waiting to start.

But if my time were to come before the future, I only ask for 2 things:

1. leave a space next to me for my cat
2. bury me in cute earrings