Today was better than yesterday. Not great. But better.
I worked out twice.
I got things situated for my second job- the center that I tutor for is providing free services 2x a day starting Thursday and I’m in charge of them. 1 hour of math/science activity and 1 hour of an interactive read aloud. I will be providing these sessions via Zoom.
I was asked to help babysit a child. The mother works for my dad at the hospital and needs childcare 3 hours a day 2-3x a week, so I will be helping her out.
I want to help. I wish I was helping MY students, MY community of kids, but I am glad to finally be helping and doing something.
I’m still frustrated.
I’m still lonely.
I’m still lost.
But come Thursday I’ll have a schedule. A routine. And right now, that’s what I need.
I can’t wait to find out more about my students. What I can do, when I can do it.
Being in the dark is awful.
Not knowing is awful.
Hearing so much criticism is awful.
But I’m working on trying to push those negatives back, and focus on the positives. Take this day by day. Be in the here and now, even if it’s eerie and weird and uncomfortable.
I’m pretty good at outwardly doing that- if you were to see me or speak to me right now, you’d probably be like- “is this the same girl?”
Yes. It is. I’m way better at hiding my feelings to others in person.
But I feel like I can let go in this platform. Like a journal. Even though it’s out there for others to see, I don’t have to speak it or show it. It’s just there, written.
You guys get it.